I like reading the paper. It’s cheap and portable, I can read it while I have my breakfast, it gets delivered to my door and it saves me having to go out for a laugh. The last bit is provided by the seemingly never-ending supply of stories about stupid people. People who make me laugh. People who, perhaps just need a beer.

2012 was no different to previous ‘bumper’ years with plenty of stories packed with pathos, pity and punch-worthiness. I thought, as the year draws to a close, I would share some of my favourites with you as you gather your families together to share in all that’s good about living in The Lucky Country. And, as the Christmas song (banned for eternity in this house) goes, “Tonight, thank God it’s them instead of you!”

“One of these is going into the stocking of EVERY Brews News reader, HO!HO!HO!”

Girls sues school for poor results

Back in May Rose Hyphen-Surname attempted to sue one of her former schools because she didn’t do well enough to get into the University course of her choosing. First, dear, have a large helping of Shut-The-$#@^K-Up. Second, there are many courses for people who didn’t do as well as they planned. It’s called Arts and plenty of folk do well from it, including me. Third, call Mr Peabody or Sherman, borrow their Way Back Machine and try school again without skipping classes and getting yourself suspended. See if that works. Fourth, have a beer.

Man sues dry cleaner for losing pants

Another case of that ‘somebody done me wrong and they’ll have to pay for it’ attitude that is bringing us as a race ever closer to the dawn of a completely idiot society. Man takes clothes to dry cleaners. Man collects dry cleaning. Man notices pants missing. Dry cleaning man says; “No, sir, here they are right here!” Man says; “Silly me! Sorry for the misunderstanding. I’m off for a nice beer! Too-rah!” At least that’s what a normal human being would do. This arse clown claims, in his best Wallace & Grommit voice that these are ‘the wrong trousers!! And promptly sues, a la Dr Evil, for $67 million dollars. He lost. Shoulda just gone for that beer, dick.

Woman walks on road

Google make maps that are designed to make our lives a little easier. But they are electronic tools, not f$%#^ing matter transporters you farnarklers!! A skirted oxygen thief in Utah sued Google because it sent her down the road exactly the way she asked. Straight down the centre of Deer Valley Drive, also known locally as Utah State Route 224 where she was hit by a car. You see, this peanut was WALKING. I’m pretty sure that the Google Machine has an option of showing you CAR, WALKING or PUBLIC TRANSPORT directions, but even if they didn’t, wouldn’t someone with even a room temperature IQ reassess their travel plans if they came to a great big no-footpath-full-of-cars-and-trucks roadway of National proportions?! I know I would. She demanded $100,000. I demand a recount of her stated brain cell quantity. Here’s your beer.

Couple hold up big airplane

This was a cracker and the only piece in this story where the incompetents did NOT try to sue. 398 of the 400 passengers on QF94 from LA to Melbourne on August 9 were strapped in and ready to take off when two Bananas complained about their Pyjamas. Qantas did not have the extra-special luxury PJs in size XL for these nose-breathing ingrates who demanded the plane stop taxiing, return to the terminal and let them off causing a 30 minute delay to all the normal people. Seriously, there just isn’t enough beer in all the breweries in all the lands of all the worlds to explain or rectify this one. I changed my mind – “No beer for you!!”

Man too stupid to use headphones

This last bit comes from an article in today’s paper and features a tool of such magnitude that we really all need to find out where he lives and visit him with a beer. But do it very, very quietly, OK? He claims that he has suffered ‘loss of income and earning capacity’ as a result of in-flight announcements being too loud and hurting his ears. How this knuckle-dragger coped with the sound a big plane makes when it takes off is beyond me. He claims he put the headphones in and “his ears were immediately assaulted by the extreme volume playing through the headset”. Didn’t think to NOT put them in your ears if they were THAT loud, then, Einstein?! Adjust volume and re-insert? He also claims that on TWO MORE OCCASIONS he was listening to music at low volume when the peace and quiet of his isolated little fantasy world was disrupted by in-flight announcements. These announcements were so loud as to cause injury. You know what should be allowed to cause injury? A big bloke in a courtroom for people who file frivolous nonsense like this.

Have a beer, precious.

So there you all go. A little something to help remind us that, no matter how bad things seem, no matter how much planning and logistics go into getting family together and any stress that causes, that we are all pretty well off. We don’t have much to complain about. And even if we do, put all the crap and worry and grief aside for Christmas – it’ll still be there if you want it later. Use this time to enjoy and embrace all that is great about living together on this big blue ball in space.

And maybe one day we will invent a spacecraft that will take all of those aforementioned people and their like and distribute them evenly across the universe. Until that day, have a beer and smile.

Merry Christmas, Happy Hunnakah, Police Nabbed-my-dad, Joyeaux Noel, Vesele Venoce, Glaedlig Jul, Froehliche Weihnachten, Happy Lebanes-mas and Nollaig chridheil huibh to you and yours.